Post by Kia on Oct 23, 2013 16:50:19 GMT 12
So you have found your way to our forum... Possibly looking for ways to help a loved one suffering from some form of Postnatal illness. First thing I would say is hurrah to you, for seeking out support. Everyone needs that at a time like this. Including you.
Based on my own experience of the illness and a fair bit of research, I decided to try and give a 'quick' overview of the three main ways to provide support to someone going through the hard slog that is Postnatal Illness:
1. Get Clued Up On It
I would be the first to admit this thing is not easy to get to grips with (it took me a loooong time to work out what was wrong) so I know it's no easy task, but once you start looking there's a lot of info out there. Even if you can just get your head round the basics and debunk some of the myths too, you'll probably find yourself in a much stronger position of understanding. Starting by reading through some of the stories here (remember each persons experience will be different) and having a look at some of the useful links posted is a great start. It might also be a good idea to familiarise yourself with some of the more 'unusual ' or perhaps unexpected symptoms. So for example, if your loved one suffers from anger and severe irritability, it may be of comfort to know that it can often be the illness doing the talking, especially if things get awkward or heated.
2. Just Be There
This is actually harder than it sounds I think. Thinking about point 1, truly trying to understand what is going on is a tall order. Do try. Do a lot of listening... Not just listening but really hearing (and I think the keyword here would be non-judgemental). Create a safe space for honesty. Try to prepare yourself for the good, the bad, the really bad and the downright ugly. Some of the thoughts and feelings that can come along with this illness can be really scary. Even more so when someone feels they ought to keep it to themselves. You can be there to reassure her that they are just a part of the illness and that they will pass eventually. But if there is a 'bad day' (or week or more for that matter) let her know it's OK. There is no need for a brave face all the time, that sometimes you need to wrestle the feelings and thoughts before they can be let go. I say this because after diagnosis and starting treatment particularly, I remember feeling an enormous amount of pressure to say 'yes I'm ok, or doing better' when people were asking me if I was feeling better, even when I really wasn't yet. Recovery from this illness is a slow burner. Even medication usually takes a while to kick in, or it can take several attempts to find the right one... Or the right therapy. Whatever. It can often feel like five steps back for every one forward, it's very frustrating at times. So above all your loved one needs your steady, positive outlook to help on the road to recovery... And permission to say, 'I'm not ok today.' Help her to get the outside professional help she may need. Get informed about and support her treatment plan too. (On that note I feel it's important to say medication can initially feel like the unwelcome option, but I feel is often misunderstood. The vast majority of antidepressants are non addictive these days, and can for some, be a real help on the road to recovery... So try to keep an open mind on that. Read more in our medication category).
3. All Hands On Deck
Roll up your sleeves and get stuck in helping. Don't wait to be asked. You may need to watch you don't tread too heavily on toes by trying to take over (though admittedly some mums who are very ill may need a lot of help, and that's OK too for as long as she needs it!)... She most likely already feels like a huge failure, and asking for help is often the hardest thing to do. Maybe you could assign yourself specific tasks... Laundry, or the cooking perhaps. But PLEASE make sure she also gets some time out from looking after the baby. It's usually an exhausting task for anyone, but when PNI wades in too, just getting through the day can seem like an uphill struggle. And when you do manage to give her the 'baby time out' card, make sure she doesn't start running around doing chores, encourage her to do something nice for herself, even if it's just a cuppa, magazine and feet up undisturbed. Depending on how she feels, and whether she is ready to share the illness with others, do also take any other offers of help from family and friends.
So there it is... A very quick overview. I hope it's helpful. There are lots of ways to help though, and if anyone would like to add more by replying to the thread I'll say thank you in advance!
If you have come with a specific question or problem please, please do start your own thread. We will do our best to support you.
Take care of each other.
Kia
x
p.s I am aware I have used 'she' several times here, but I would like to acknowledge that men suffer PNI too and I hope therefore that 'he' can be substituted wherever necessary depending on who is seeking help!
Based on my own experience of the illness and a fair bit of research, I decided to try and give a 'quick' overview of the three main ways to provide support to someone going through the hard slog that is Postnatal Illness:
1. Get Clued Up On It
I would be the first to admit this thing is not easy to get to grips with (it took me a loooong time to work out what was wrong) so I know it's no easy task, but once you start looking there's a lot of info out there. Even if you can just get your head round the basics and debunk some of the myths too, you'll probably find yourself in a much stronger position of understanding. Starting by reading through some of the stories here (remember each persons experience will be different) and having a look at some of the useful links posted is a great start. It might also be a good idea to familiarise yourself with some of the more 'unusual ' or perhaps unexpected symptoms. So for example, if your loved one suffers from anger and severe irritability, it may be of comfort to know that it can often be the illness doing the talking, especially if things get awkward or heated.
2. Just Be There
This is actually harder than it sounds I think. Thinking about point 1, truly trying to understand what is going on is a tall order. Do try. Do a lot of listening... Not just listening but really hearing (and I think the keyword here would be non-judgemental). Create a safe space for honesty. Try to prepare yourself for the good, the bad, the really bad and the downright ugly. Some of the thoughts and feelings that can come along with this illness can be really scary. Even more so when someone feels they ought to keep it to themselves. You can be there to reassure her that they are just a part of the illness and that they will pass eventually. But if there is a 'bad day' (or week or more for that matter) let her know it's OK. There is no need for a brave face all the time, that sometimes you need to wrestle the feelings and thoughts before they can be let go. I say this because after diagnosis and starting treatment particularly, I remember feeling an enormous amount of pressure to say 'yes I'm ok, or doing better' when people were asking me if I was feeling better, even when I really wasn't yet. Recovery from this illness is a slow burner. Even medication usually takes a while to kick in, or it can take several attempts to find the right one... Or the right therapy. Whatever. It can often feel like five steps back for every one forward, it's very frustrating at times. So above all your loved one needs your steady, positive outlook to help on the road to recovery... And permission to say, 'I'm not ok today.' Help her to get the outside professional help she may need. Get informed about and support her treatment plan too. (On that note I feel it's important to say medication can initially feel like the unwelcome option, but I feel is often misunderstood. The vast majority of antidepressants are non addictive these days, and can for some, be a real help on the road to recovery... So try to keep an open mind on that. Read more in our medication category).
3. All Hands On Deck
Roll up your sleeves and get stuck in helping. Don't wait to be asked. You may need to watch you don't tread too heavily on toes by trying to take over (though admittedly some mums who are very ill may need a lot of help, and that's OK too for as long as she needs it!)... She most likely already feels like a huge failure, and asking for help is often the hardest thing to do. Maybe you could assign yourself specific tasks... Laundry, or the cooking perhaps. But PLEASE make sure she also gets some time out from looking after the baby. It's usually an exhausting task for anyone, but when PNI wades in too, just getting through the day can seem like an uphill struggle. And when you do manage to give her the 'baby time out' card, make sure she doesn't start running around doing chores, encourage her to do something nice for herself, even if it's just a cuppa, magazine and feet up undisturbed. Depending on how she feels, and whether she is ready to share the illness with others, do also take any other offers of help from family and friends.
So there it is... A very quick overview. I hope it's helpful. There are lots of ways to help though, and if anyone would like to add more by replying to the thread I'll say thank you in advance!
If you have come with a specific question or problem please, please do start your own thread. We will do our best to support you.
Take care of each other.
Kia
x
p.s I am aware I have used 'she' several times here, but I would like to acknowledge that men suffer PNI too and I hope therefore that 'he' can be substituted wherever necessary depending on who is seeking help!
