Reaching out

[Kat]

I don't even know where to start really. I am just so tired and at the end of my tether at the moment.
I thought maybe it would help me to just blather some of it here.

I had my little girl (my first) in January of this year. I have had a bit of depression and anxiety  before, so was aware that I could get PND.
But it hit, and hit hard. I was so miserable for the first few months. I cried pretty much every day all day. I was terrified of my baby - of having to hold her, change her or feed her. My husband was home for the first few days, then went back to work (we own our own business and he is the sole worker). Every morning I bawled my eyes out as he got ready to go to work, and BEGGED him to close the workshop for another week or so. I pleaded, I threatened - but to no avail. I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants, and went and saw my psychologist (who had helped me heaps previously).

Anyway, slowly I got things under control. and really started to enjoy DD. Then partway through the year the shit hit the fan. My parents were involved in a very bad car accident. My sister and I had to take turns to stay with them and look after them for about a month (and of course I had to take DD with me when I went).

I carried on.

A month or so later a good friend of mine died. Then a week or two after that my grandmother died (who I was very close to).

My grandfather had to have melanoma removed from his ankle, so I went to stay with him for a couple of days to look after him.

On we went.

But I just can't anymore. I don't have anymore to give - and people just seem to keep taking from me! My DD just seems to grizzle and complain all the time; my husband gives me no support - I do all the lawn mowing, all the housework, all the shopping, all the organising, look after our two dogs and two cats; while he works on our cars. My in-laws pop over unannounced all the F*@#ING TIME! And my husband won't talk to them because he doesn't like confrontation with them!! And the in-laws don't even say hello to me anymore (like seriously) - they just want to see DD. They use her to cheer themselves up, and they both work way too much so are pretty depressed. My own parents are pretty depressed because they are both still suffering from the accident - but I just don't have anymore sympathy to give.

I just cry all the time; and I'm so angry with everyone - my husband in particular.
I can't help it, but sometimes I just feel like my DD has ruined my life.

I am seeing my psychologist again, and I have talked my husband into going to see her with me.
I feel like if he doesn't change things pretty promptly, then I will leave him. Which I don't want to do - and big part of that is because I don't want to bring up DD on my own!

Anyway, I'm sorry if this is kind of all over the place. I just can't seem to get things to make sense in my head anymore.
Thanks for listening.

[Kia]

Hi Kat... and a warm welcome. I am glad you felt able to vent here. Because lets face it... we all need a good vent from time to time, especially when we are battling with PND.

But gosh! You have been through the mill and then some haven't you?! Wow, you know even without the PND, that whole series of events that you have been through would be enough to send anyone spiralling. It sounds to me as though you are a strong soul going through a particularly tough time, and are probably coping a lot more than you feel you are. I can relate to a lot of the thoughts and feelings. I felt really misunderstood and unsupported by a number of people when I was ill. And I was super irritable and angry with my husband too. And that's really hard. I think having come out the other side though, I can see how they really just didn't 'get it'... they could not relate to how I was feeling and didn't understand the illness at all, let alone how they might help me. It doesn't help that so many of the people around you seem to have their own stuff to have to deal with.

But you know what? You really have to put that all to one side. It really is OK to just concentrate for a while on doing whatever it takes to help yourself feel better. Well done to you for seeing the doctor and the psychologist. Are your meds helping do you feel? How long have you been taking them? Sometimes it can take a while for them to kick in... and sometimes some people find it takes a few goes with different meds to find the right one.

Is there anyone you trust you can talk to? And perhaps someone who could give you a couple hours break from childcare to get a bit of time out? I found adopting this attitude to self care really helped me, and also giving myself permission to have crap days (and weeks at first for that matter). Take it all one day and one step at a time. it's a slow burner the road to recovery, and can feel so frustrating at times... like five steps back for every one forward. Remember though, that PND is an illness... you did not ask to get ill, and it's not your fault. You just need time and space to get better...

Take care of yourself and come back and speak to us here whenever you feel you need it... I hear you, I understand how you feel, and a lot of what you are saying is common to this illness. You aren't alone. Writing it down can help make sense of what is such a confusing and isolating time... so as I say, please do come and talk here.

Big hugs (((((((((o))))))))))

Kia

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[Kia]

How are you feeling today Kat? Thinking of you.

Please PM me for a chat if you prefer.

Kia
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[Kat]

Hi Kia,

Thanks so much for responding to my rant - you seem like such a caring and genuine person. Like I've read in other places, sometimes it can be easier to be really truthful when you are taking to people who aren't involved in your situation and don't know you. Seems kind of weird, but it's true.

My husband really responded well in our appointment with the psychologist, so I'm really hopeful that we will be able to get this to work. I think he is finally starting to see things from my point of view.

It has really been a sh*t of a year, so I suppose it's no surprise I'm feeling so low. The meds do really seem to be helping which is wonderful. I've been on a couple of different types before, and these ones make me feel quite "normal" without any side effects. Unfortunately I don't really feel I have anyone to talk to at the moment. I am really close to my sister, and I have talked to her about a lot of this, but I don't feel comfortable talking about my relationship problems with anyone in my family - I don't want them to judge my husband, or start feeling negative towards him.

Did you have trouble adjusting to motherhood? I never wanted children; and it wasn't until I met my husband that I could picture myself with them. Having my little girl has been a steep learning curve (as I'm sure it is for everyone!). The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is all the changes - it's like as soon as I finally get a grip on having a baby, she changes into a pre-toddler. I know it's inevitable, and no doubt will happen throughout her life (it's what growing up is all about), but I'm really finding it hard. I was getting into a good routine, and understood her pretty well. Now she's 11 months old and I have no idea what is going on again! She is so determined and stubborn, grizzles hard out when she isn't getting what she wants. I'm just so tired.

I feel bad, but sometimes I wish I hadn't had her. Does that make me sound terrible?? I mean I have never felt so much love for a single person before; but at the same time my life is never going to be the same, in ways I had never imagined, and I'm not sure I've done the right thing.

I am definitely lucky in that I have plenty of people offering to look after her, so I do get time to myself. Though sometimes I can't help but feel that I do all the hard work and everyone gets to reap the benefits! I look after her most of the week, put up with the grizzling; then family come over for a cuddle, or even a day out full of fun, and get all the smiles and good times. I get good times too, but do you know what I mean?

Thanks again for listening Kia. I hope you and your family have a great Christmas and New Year 
I hope to talk to you again later.

[Kia]

Hey there! First of all I'm so glad things went well for you and your husband with the psychologist. That's great news. It is so hard to get our loved ones on board with this thing... When I finally realised I was ill and knew it was post natal anxiety and depression (rather than what I thought was me going slowly crazy or something!) I told nearly all of my close family and friends. It was almost like 'hey look, I really am 'just' sick... And not mad, and it seems like there's a good chance I'll get better!' ... I was not prepared for just how many of them just couldn't really process it... Just didn't really understand, even a very few who probably didn't even want to know. And that was really hard. But I just ended up leaning on the one or two people I knew I could trust, and also used a forum very like this one, and I can honestly say, that for a time, that forum was my biggest help. I was totally and completely heard, and in a non judgemental way.

Which is one of the reasons I can say to you, yes... It took me quite a while to adjust to motherhood. And that's from someone who always knew I wanted kids. And I can say that I had those thoughts too... The 'oh my gosh, if only I hadn't had this child...things could be normal again'... The amount of times I have heard/read that... But your very next sentence really says it all. The sheer amount of love  you still have for your bubs... Well, there you go. I guess one of the breakthrough points for me was realising that it was 'the illness' that was driving the bad feelings and thoughts. And because of that I realised it wasn't me that was the terrible mum or the bad person. The illness drags you down, it breaks you until you are a shadow of yourself. But it is an illness... And so long as you take the time to do as many things as you can to help you feel better, you will get better.

Postnatal illness does not discriminate... It doesn't matter what your background or education, marital or financial status. Whether you have had one or four kids... It can descend at any time... Unannounced. It's a real shitbag... But that's the thing to remember. Get mad at your illness, not at yourself. 

And yes I can also relate to the changes in phases with baby... Then pre-toddler... Then toddler. That used to frustrate me too, and many, many other parents I know. I think again for me, it was just easier to accept, that they are always going to be growing and changing. This phase is just a stage, and before long it will be something else. But that can be a very empowering thought, especially when it's a tough stage (maybe teething, or some other physical or developmental milestone that throws everything out of whack)... It is always just a phase. And things do settle down...especially with consistency in the way you manage things. But it's ok to have bad days. You can only ever do the best you can, given any set of circumstances. So try not to be too hard on yourself. Indeed, remembering to be gentle on yourself is probably one of the most important things you can do. We are only human after all. 

Take care of yourself. Love and best wishes for Christmas and the new year.

Kia x

[Kia]

How are you feeling Kat? x

[Kat]

Hi Kia,

Hope you and your family had a great Christmas and New Year 

My holiday was pretty good. My husband took over the majority of care for DD for almost three weeks, so I did feel like I got a break.

Thank you for your words before Christmas. The bit that particularly helped me was the it's just "a phase" bit. I hadn't thought of it like that, but you're absolutely right. And in retrospect they're all pretty short phases (though they seem long at the time!).

At the moment DD seems to be pretty stroppy (she's just over 1 year now). I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong? Is she supposed to be this stroppy at this age?? Sometimes it's pretty hard to take. And I know that it's harder because of the PNI. Sometimes I just can't stand being in the house with her anymore - I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I've never suffered from claustrophobia, ever; but that's what it's starting to feel like. I never relax when DD is around - even if she's sleeping. It feels like I'm always strung really tight. And I don't even know where the PNI ends and I begin! How much of it is me, that I don't make a very good mother? I see all these other women looking relaxed, going out and taking their kids/babies with them everywhere; but I don't. I am just stressed the whole time we're out that DD will get upset or have a bit of a scream. And some family members don't understand. They think DD should come with us when we're going out somewhere - but I know I won't relax and enjoy myself if she comes, so I prefer to have someone look after her... I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well.

Anyway, I have to go. But thanks for lending an ear again 

[Kia]

Hiya... Yep I can totally relate to what you are saying. In fact my own daughter probably has a similar temperament to yours, and she can still be challenging at times. The postnatal illness can make all those feelings a hundred times worse though, it's most certainly not you being a bad mum. If you really were a bad parent you wouldn't even be questioning yourself all the time, or worrying about it at all. It's a kinda vicious cycle I think, because when we get stressed or upset it does rub off on them, and then they start acting up. It's frustrating. But being ill is NOT YOUR FAULT and I can't stress that enough. You are allowed to feel bad sometimes, it's just that feeling bad can easily lead to 'thinking bad' and before long we start to believe the bad (and untrue!) things we are thinking.

Has your psychologist suggested any CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or anything like that? Your GP should be able to refer you, and I know quite a few mums for whom this has helped. I personally found mindfulness techniques helpful, though it does take a bit of practice... I have started to get quite good at catching the negative thoughts and filtering them out. By no means perfect though! Search on YouTube and you will find heaps of exercises. I also love a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, that was a bit of a breakthrough for me too... I guess, what I'm really saying is just take it one day at a time. Celebrate every little success at the end of each day, anything that worked or made you feel good. Write them down if it helps. And give yourself permission to take the time out you need to get better.

You will get better. Honestly. Come back and chat soon.

Kia x

[Kat]

Hey Kia, thought I would drop by to update you - you have been so wonderful with your support (of a total stranger too!). And I hope if there are any other mums reading this, that it may help them somehow.
I'm having more good days than bad now, which obviously really helps. Now on my bad days I can think that this isn't all there is anymore.

I have recently had a little trouble with the "rage" side of post natal depression. I hadn't really experienced it much previously, so looked it up online. And sure enough it seems to be quite a common symptom of PND. Luckily for me I have somewhere to escape to - my sister is ultra awesome, and as a single young lady has a place to herself. So I had no hesitations in just driving to her place (about 15 mins from mine). I was even still in bare feet! It's such an amazing thing to have a place I can just turn up at. I would highly recommend all new mums to try and suss such a place if they have someone they trust enough near by.

My psychologist is amazing, and has even before I had my daughter, talked to me at length about filtering the "automatic" bad thoughts. Speaking to her recently, I realised that I have neglected that since my DD was born - I guess I was preoccupied! So I am actively trying to get back into the habit.

Things with my husband have improved to. It's amazing how some people lack empathy - not through calleousness, but just ignorance. He really responded well to going to my psychologist with me; he was actually incredible. Really took it on board and listened. So I think that has taken a lot off my shoulders.

Unfortunately I have found myself missing my grandmother a lot recently (we were very close). So that is hard - but obviously a natural part of life that everyone has to contend with at some stage. It's just harder to be selfish about it when you have a little one.

Gosh, you really are such a kind-hearted and amazing person Kia. I never thought for a second that I would find so much comfort from a complete stranger. I just wanted you to know what a difference you have made in my life. You really helped guide me through the toughest chapter (to date) of my life. I can't thank you enough. You may not think you've done much, but your words and understanding made all the difference for me.

Thank you.

[Kia]

Hi Kat,

Wow that is good news that you feel the better days outweigh the bad. It sounds like you're turning the corner, I remember feeling good about that too. And having the perceptive to be able to say to yourself when you're having a bad day, 'ah well, it's just a bad day'... that's a huge thing. Well done 

It sounds like you have a pretty good support network there... brilliant. Stay close to the helpful people... filter out the negative ones. Sounds a bit mean in a way, but it's one of the many positive lessons I learnt on my journey of not only getting better, but 'staying' better. There are a few habits I have changed. Including the way in which I communicate with my husband, I can really relate to you there too. And yes, it was ignorance with him too, but that can feel very hurtful when you're in bad place yourself. It's great you guys can work on that together. 

And gosh, of course you need time to process everything that has happened, especially the passing of people close to you. It makes sense that you may just be coming round to having the mental and emotional space to do this. And there is nothing selfish about that. In fact it's very brave to go through this and show your feelings. I even show my feelings in front of my little one now too (something I still find hard when it's sadnesss) but I realise that I should try to find a constructive way to do it by talking to her about 'why mummy feels sad'... I'm hoping this way she will be able to learn to handle those difficult emotions herself? I look back through my own childhood and can see where patterns have come from, and I don't want her to feel like she needs to shut down when she feels sad, angry, fearful etc in the same way I learned to. Not sure if that makes sense, I'm babbling now. But I guess in many ways the whole process of getting sick and then becoming 'better' has involved me breaking quite a few negative cycles. I'm still working on it, even though I am better from the PNI now.  

I'm touched by your kind words. I'm just very glad I was able to give a little comfort. I know from my own journey that the kindness of strangers (on a forum very similar to this one) was absolutely crucial to me at an early stage of my recovery. Just trying to 'pay it forward'. 

You keep up all that great work. And take care of yourself as always. 

Kia
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